…could also be worse.
That last bit was never good enough for me. Life could be worse, but it could be better. Thankful for the roof over my head and a somewhat loving family.
But I am not thankful for the continued disappointment I face from people that are supposed to be my nearest and dearest. The friends that are family, the family that become best friends. It always comes down to relationships. A potential partner is in my life, but no smooth sailing there either. Why not? Am I not a good person – yes I am. Do I not care whole heartedly – I sure as hell do. Why is it never good enough – who know’s?. Dwelling in my own self pity has become a habit, actually it’s become a chore. I just want to be happy. But that is so hard.
The definition of happiness is not clear, but for me it means no bullsh*t, not backstabbers, no one being two faced and having those around you that genuinely care for one another.
I need to speak to someone. But who?. So I have chosen to speak to you. Not sure how long I will do this for. It might be this once, but if it helps with my sanity then I will do it.
I apologise if this is boring, uninteresting or just the same old same old. But for me, I think, this is helping. And I hope it helps you. If you feel like this, you’re not alone. And nor am I.
So who’s watched 13 Reasons Why? An excellent Netflix production, very difficult watch but it open’s your eyes to how the smallest to the largest occurrences can push someone to take their life. The bad thing about this show… it appealed to me. The thought of ending your life and being no more. That feeling just felt…Calm. Relaxed. And Over. All Over.
No more fighting to prove myself to “friends”, no more thinking about the past and how all that devoted time to extended family, all those relationships with cousins… all that love and then nothing but abuse. Verbal, but abuse nonetheless. No more fighting to be perfect, smaller size in clothing, perfect hair, perfect smile. Just perfect. No more heartache. No more crying on my own. And no more emptiness. No more loneliness.
Just no more.
But I can’t do it. Because my heart won’t allow me to hurt my parents, my family, the friends that matter. I hate that I care.
So now, I am diagnosed as Depressed. And so my journey begins with anti depressants. With the hope I will feel somewhat “ok” in the next 4-6 weeks.
Will I forget the lack of love and care from those around me? Will I be “ok” with how selfish the world seems? Will I be able to smile again and mean it? …We’ll see.